Saturday, February 6, 2010
Speaking of conflicts, I remembered an argument I had with my friend.
I told this friend of mine that there was an issue with his character, that he was lacking a general ambition or purpose in life, and was treating everything in his life with a lackadaisical manner.
He was having problems with his grades then. Even though he will feel upset over his poor grades at first, soon the problem will be clean out of his mind, and he will seem like normal again. And he treated many things in his life that way. I felt as a friend I needed to help him get some direction, and tried to approach the issue in a objective manner, so I would not hurt his feelings. I understood that getting him to accept that he was lacking in someway or the other was bound to be hurting. So I tried my best to be sensitive to his feelings.
He told me he needed my help to change, and I tried my best to help. But whenever I gently reminded him of this problem, he got upset and agitated. There were a lot of disagreements over this, but most of them were cleared up rather quickly. Even so, the problem was not solved. It seems my friend's happy-go-lucky nature has caused him to put problems out of his mind very easily. Therefore he did not seem to be able to concentrate and tackle the problem.
By then, the small and frequent disagreements have already strained our relationship, and every time we talked the conversation will be full of tension. Then once I told him I did not want to bother about him anymore, and could not be bothered to care. He tried to appease me but failed. And worse of all, the next day, he behaved like nothing had ever happened, like we did not argue fiercely the day before. I was quite upset about his attitude, but did not know how to tell him about it, so I left it at that.
Would the situation have been better if I did not interfere with this in the first place?
What could I have done to further improve the situation?
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7 comments:
Hi Cherlia,
Most of the time, we human beings are prone to be held hostage to sympathy and emotions. By seeing friends in need of help we somehow develop a strong tendency to lend them our strength in order to pick them up to their feet. But how often is our help as effective as we wanted it to be?
"God helps those who help themselves" this is an extract from one of Benjamin Franklin's works, Poor Richard's Almanac. What I feel is that being normal human beings, there is only so much we can do within our limits. Perhaps as a guy he held too much emphasis on pride itself, wanting to show a strong front rather than a sympathetic character. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
As a suggestion, alternatively the best way to help in this case is really to withdraw the helping hand. It is akin to the dilemma of lending money to a close friend addicted to gambling, to lend or not to lend?
I hope you have found your answer. At the end of the day, it's the happy moments in the friendship that matters.
Brandon
Hi Cherlia,
I think that you if you had not interfered, things might have become worse. From the way you describe you friend, I perceive that he has a problem with his personality. It is good to be happy-go-lucky, but not when he always sees a good side to everything. This is not being optimism, but probably escapism from his problems. True friends tell you the ugly truth, and I think you did right in telling him his problem with his character.
However, rather than telling him directly of his problem (I interpret it as you telling him his problem directly. Correct me if I’m wrong), you could have posed it in a form of a question that guides him to reflect on his actions and words. I believe personality problems need to be dealt with in a similar manner like how a parent would guide their child along. We have to be patient throughout, and not keep insisting on it. Give him some time to reflect and think through as it is not easy to improve on personality.
I hope my comments have been of help to you, and hopefully your friend has changed for the better.
Regards,
Ryan
Hi Cherlia,
It is very mature of you to be handling this situation in an objective manner and always trying to be sensitive to his feelings. I firmly believed that for this situation, it definitely takes 2 hands to clap. Regardless of how much you have done for him, if he does not take your advice a slightest bit, the outcome is still the same.
You may have felt that you have wasted your time because he is actually not appreciating and I would assumed that you have felt helpless at some point of time. However, i firmly believed that what matters is that you have tried. It is precisely because he is your friend, that's why u tried so hard and not giving up till the end.
You would not know until you try. Thats the answer i had for your question "Would the situation have been better if I did no interfere with this in the first place?
You could have seek help from his other friends, and probably come up with a regular studying session to force him to study. At the end of the day, it is still up to him, if he wants to change.
Jason
Hi Cherlia,
I admired your perseverance in an effort to make him change. It is good to have a happy-go-lucky attitude, however been too optimistic in everything is not a very good for him. With this attitude, it may be hard for him to improve and the people around him may find it hard to build strong relationships with him, like what you had experienced.
I felt that the situation will worsen if you did not help him change. He may continue to think that his attitude towards his studies will not be affected. This may in turn lead to a worsening of his grades and the current situation will worsen.
However, if I were you, I would try to help him for some time and will start to ignore him whenever we had disagreements. If he behaved like nothing had ever happened the next day, I will just continue to ignore him until he realized what was really wrong and hopefully, he can reflect on the root of the disagreements – his attitude.
Lastly, I hoped your friend has changed for the better and your friendship with him will continue to stay strong.
Li Hua
Hi Cherlia,
I believe that you took the right choice in choosing to help your friend. Without your constant reminders to improve, your friend’s problem will only worsen. However, with your constant reminders, there is always a chance that he may change for the better. Moreover, I believe that we should help our friends with their problems, especially if they asked us for help. Therefore, I strongly believe that you made a right decision in choosing to help your friend.
As you mentioned, the problem that your friend faces lies in his character. Character is not something that we can change easily, unless something dramatic happens. It will usually take a very long time to change one’s character. Therefore, I feel that you should persevere on and continue to help your friend, and perhaps get some other mutual friends to help out as well. This will result in more frequent reminders and would make him feel more compelled to change.
I hoped that my suggestions will help you better deal with this sort of conflicts.
Leonard (C06)
Hi Cherlia,
I feel that you have done your very best as a friend and it is a huge loss for him if he does not appreciate what you have been doing for him. He certainly seems to lack determination which is why he is able to pinpoint his own flaws but unable to change them. The fact that he asked for your help but yet gets agitated when you attempted to help was a clear indication of refusal and rejection. I am impressed with your patience and strong resolve to help your friend.
I feel that the situation would not be better if you did not interfere. It is obvious that you care for him as a friend and his attitude to life is making you worry more about him then he worries about himself. Therefore if you did not interfere and let him continue his way of life, you would constantly feel at fault that he is still the way he is. I feel that the situation could be improved if you did not tell him that you would no longer bother about him anymore. Instead of telling him off like that, you could have just walked away and let him reflect on his own words and actions.
Many people have the misconception that conflict is an all-or-nothing situation so therefore either they avoid it altogether or they end up in an all-out combative mode, regardless of the real severity of the conflict. However that is not true and using effective communication methods to reduce conflict is a much better method as compared to ignoring the conflict altogether or having a total faceoff.
All in all, your post has allowed me to reflect on my past actions and hopefully my comments will be of help in the future when such conflicts occur again.
Regards,
Jay
Hi Chelia,
I am really impressed with your determination to help your friend. I know how hurt you were when he seemed to disregard whatever you had done for him.
For your first question, I feel the answer is no. From your description a person like that is not likely to change himself but instead go through the same vicious cycle again and again. This would not only be bad for himself but also for his friends as well. Eventually someone would have approached him to help as well.
However, although the problem stems from his attitude, we cannot possibly blame the failure on him entirely as you were the one who approached him first. Rather than directly telling him to improve, you could do it in a more round-about manner. You could ask him what he is interested in and how he indulges that interest. You could slowly push the conversation toward how the best in the area he is interested got there through hard work and how admirable it was. You could suggest that if he placed just a bit more effort, then he could see amazing results. If this works, this upon itself could motivate to continue working hard.
Finally, I felt that his reaction after you told him you were giving up shows that he was insincere from the start and did not appreciate your help. I would agree that it would have been best not to pursue the issue further.
Regards,
Kimberly
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